Overcoming Darkness and Becoming The Light
Hey. My name is Kaizer Hossain, aka just Kaizer as my artist name and sometimes Kaizer Hazard (a random moniker I've used in the past). I'm 29 years old and am half white from my mom's side (mostly English and Irish/British ancestry) and half Bengali from my dad's side. I'm an empath believe it or not and am basically on a mission to completely change the world for the better in a vast way. Variety and diversity are very important to me and I'm into many different careers and interests. For example, I'm a certified audio engineer and music producer, rapper, singer, recording artist, artist (graphic art, art photography, caligraphy, etc), poet, entertainer, entrepreneur and aspiring actor. I'm also into psychology, philosophy, astronomy, spirituality, physical therapy, health and fitness, nutrition, history, self-development, writing and more and aspire to expand my studies and work in these areas greatly. I guess I can be considered a modern day polymath of some sort in many ways. I know that's a lot to take in lol. I guess you could just say I'm a musician with a multitude of other professions and passions.
I have a very strong lust for life and very much believe in the saying "variety is the spice of life." I have a deep appreciation for beauty and greatness, whether it be people, nature, art or different kinds of works. This is a lot of why I represent my image, style, fashion and work the way that I do. I'm just extremely passionate about beauty, greatness, excellence, etc and so I strive to incorporate and express those things in myself as well, whether it be through my internal character/personality or through my physical appearance. Sometimes, I may come across as aloof, self-absorbed or in my head, but most of the time, that's just because I'm very much an idealist and am often dreaming about the stars, dreams in themselves or what I can do to make the world and/or people drastically better.
I'm also a very wise and patient person, believe it or not - especially for my age, and so many times I'm actually also just observing and/or refraining from speaking in certain situations that may seem like it's called to act otherwise because I realize it's wiser to just observe or bite my tongue so to speak, even when others may not be able to see things and the situations clearly. For this same reason, I also sometimes say or do things that may confuse people, but I do so in order to open up people's eyes and/or awareness and etc. It's easy to misunderstand me for these reasons, but my aim is simply to open people's eyes up and raise their consciousness. I also very much believe in the saying "not everything is as it seems." I can also come off as aloof and everything sometimes simply because I have a strong lust for life like I said and so I'm often just embracing life and being silly lol. Negative people love trying to use this against me by making me seem crazy to others lmao, so I would strongly invite people to be aware of that if you care about the truth etc and so as not to be manipulated by other people wanting to use you to fulfill their own agendas by putting me in a negative spotlight. I believe in balance and I know that there's a time and a place for everything, but sometimes... You just need to laugh and act stupid lol. I feel that that's a necessity to happiness and success.. For me, anyways.
1. Childhood: Dreams and Despair, Happiness and Shame
I grew up in a somewhat abusive, dysfunctional home in Long Island City, New York. My mom, for example was physically abusive to me as a child and had a drug problem. She said I was too sad/emotional all the time and I guess that was a huge trigger for her own struggles or something. She would... beat our dog, Bobo whenever he pooped on the floor. She... once ripped my ear so badly that I felt pain on my earlobe area for years and even to this day, my ear is sensitive because of that I feel like... I remember she would read me this book about different shapes to help me memorize them and if I remembered the wrong shape, she would hit me really hard to where I would start crying. My mom was a really loving and amazing woman, but she carried a lot of violent and toxic behaviors that caused her love and affection towards me to be very unstable.
My mom ended up getting taken out of the home when my dad called the cops on her for hitting me badly one day when I was around 6 years old. Despite protecting me as a young child, my dad ended up becoming abusive to me as well. This made me resent my father in many ways; "how could he start abusing me after everything my mom put me through that he witnessed with his own eyes?" I often asked myself questions like that as a child. I remember him doing things like stomping on me and wrestling me into the metal bench press we had and things like that when he would get angry with me. My dad had severe anger problems and he even... chucked me and my brother's pet gerbil on the floor once, where me and my brother watched in horror and despair as our gerbil... rapidly twitched and bled to death on the floor, squeaking and crying for life. I repressed this memory for a long time without realizing it...
I had many fights growing up. In 6th grade, I went to this school that was right next to Queensbridge and kids were always trying to pick fights with me. I experienced a lot of racism and discrimination there and had to learn to physically defend myself. I lived in a dysfunctional group home at one point to get away from my abusive father. I had dreams of singing and making a positive difference in the world growing up to Michael Jackson since I was around 4 years old, but my father discouraged me and put my passions down when I tried to sing but didn't really have the confidence or skill. He did this repeatedly at random points throughout my life, even up to adulthood. Like my mom, my dad was also an amazing, kind-hearted person who taught me the value of compassion and being a good person in many ways, but he was also a very sick man with immense anger, rage and toxicity within him which caused great instability for me.
Both of my parents and my brother abused me for having and expressing certain emotions and over time, this left me feeling devastated, destroyed and heartbroken, especially after many others throughout my life treated me the same exact ways. As an adult, this created an issue for me to where it made me basically feel like if I felt or expressed certain emotions like sadness or anger in certain situations, I'd get abused or something really bad would happen, and so I wouldn't physically be able to let those emotions out and they would just stay inside of me, causing me extreme turmoil and pain beyond anything I can possibly describe. I would either come off as too sensitive or aloof and indifferent or something. This caused me excruciating suffering that no one around me really understood, and I was often judged, misunderstood and mistreated for struggling with this. People seemed to have hated me for struggling all throughout my life, not truly knowing my soul or where I came from.
A small glimpse into my early childhood
(Kaizer, 4 years old, dreaming of dancing and singing like Michael Jackson in his home in LIC NY, 1997)
After my mom and dad split up around the age of 6, my dad struggled to provide for me and my brother and there was a time period where I remember literally being hungry. Throughout most of my childhood, as my dad started to do slightly better due to the help of my aunts and uncle, the hunger subsided. However, most of the food we ate came from fast food restaurants like McDonalds, Wendy's, KFC and etc, and this caused a lot of problems for me physically, mentally and emotionally. I remember having I think it was high blood pressure at one point in my early teens/around that time. I have great, amazing memories of my childhood and I got to play and do a lot of the things a child is meant to, however my childhood during this time was also filled with violence, abuse and extreme turmoil.
Both my dad and my brother were very physically abusive to me and I got into many fights both in school and outside of school. My brother would be physically abusive towards me, and would do things like chuck basketballs at me at the park while everyone there laughed. He would torment me in front of his friends, which left me constantly humiliated and helpless. He would often ditch me with people I thought were my friends as we were supposed to play and go places together by running away from me, and that left me feeling neglected, rejected and abandoned. My father often took the side of my brother, and had told me on multiple occasions that he considered my brother his favorite son. This left me with a feeling of injustice and even more rejection and neglect.
During this time, I was heavily influenced by the rapper Eminem, who I related with due to his different struggles such as those with his mom. I used to listen to The Eminem Show on repeat a lot as well as 8 Mile. There was this one song "Square Dance" I would have on repeat over and over again. Strangely, people have been calling me "Eminem" at random points throughout my life since I was a little kid, way before I ever even thought about being a rap artist and really listened to Hip Hop. In many ways, thinking about this in hindsight, I feel like it's kind of fate or something. I relate with Eminem more than most of anyone else in many ways. Maybe not entirely, but yeah. My parents never put pills in my food or anything - to my awareness, at least, but I was diagnosed with ADHD as a little kid and forced to take ritalin at one point, which I hated. Ritalin made me feel droopy and horrible and even caused me to lose weight.
What a lot of people don't know about me is I grew up in many ways believing I was ugly. My brother and my dad would both at times say that I was ugly and stuff like that. For a long time I believed it growing up. That's a lot of why I became so passionate about my image, my looks, etc. In many ways it was my way of transmuting that belief and insecurity - turning the darkness into light. A lot of people think I'm concieted and stuff. That's the furthest thing from the truth, though. I wanna be a person who represents the fact that inner beauty can be the most beautiful thing of all. If I'm creative and passionate enough to take care of myself, develop style in great ways and nourish and nurture myself to where my outwardly appearence becomes very positive and appealing, aren't those inner traits what really make me a beautiful person beyond any and everything? I aim to reflect and exude those inner traits outwardly to express that truth. I believe how you feel about yourself is what matters the most. If you have an idea of who and how you want to be and you turn that idea and vision into reality, I think that's the most beautiful thing in the world.
2. Early-Mid Teens: Chaos and Dysfunction
In my early teens, the abuse and poor eating continued. One thing led to another and I ended up being taken out of my home after an altercation I had with my father. His hatred and anger caused him to allow me to be sent away from home at the age of 15 to a place for "troubled adolescents" to live at in upstate New York. I stayed there for about 4-5 months, enduring even more violence from those I lived with, including staff members. There was one day where I was playing basketball outside with some of the other kids and I ended up falling and fracturing my right ring finger. I went to a doctor for it and he gave me this weird cast on my entire arm. The staff at where I was living were pretty cold and heartless towards me despite my injury, and I remember one of them scolding me to make my bed quickly despite having trouble grasping the sheets and blankets due to the fractured finger and cast. My finger ended up getting worse and when I went back to the doctor's office, another doctor told me that the doctor who originally gave me the cast messed up and shouldn't have done that. The new doctor told me all I needed was a splint and as a result of getting treated the wrong way, I had to have surgery on my finger. The surgery consisted of the doctors putting a metal plate in my ring finger which to this day I still have and causes my ring finger to often hurt and feel extremely weird and uncomfortable.
My emotional agony grew, as did my fleeting self-esteem and confidence. After about 4 to 5 months, a social worker I had at that place recommended that I live in a group home even further upstate New York for about a year to escape my father's abusive ways and to allow the tension between the two of us to settle and die down. Although hesitant, when I weighed the options she gave me, I decided to give the opportunity a try. My social worker told me that there was a possibility of things getting even worse with my father, which could result in me being taken away from my home and possibly even arrested, and I wanted nothing more but to retain my freedom and well-being. Looking back, I realize that in many ways, I felt pressured to live at the group home; as if I would have been severely punished for not going or something.
The group home turned out to not be what my social worker and I had intended for it to be. The caregivers who worked there - two older women, were resigning just as I was moving in and being replaced by a man. The caregivers had made the house a home. After they were replaced, however, the house was no longer a home. I ended up getting into fights with almost every other teenager that lived there (there were about 8 other teenage young men living there) and I was even thrashed around the main office inside of the home by one of the staff one time because I refused to get out of his way when I wanted to address an urgent matter with the new caregiver.
At the school I went to when I lived in the Group Home, the board of education decided to hold me back a grade as I was getting ready to start going to the school there upon hearing from the new caregiver that I had gotten in a fight a day or so before the board of ed meeting. The caregiver seemed to have told the board of ed members about the fight out of resentment since we weren't really seeing eye to eye, and that was only a reflection of the negative environment the group home was. The board of ed, who were initially going to put me in regular 10th grade classes, decided thereafter upon hearing of the fight that I wasn't suitable for that option any longer. They placed me in a special 9th grade, special ed class there (in a school that only had grades 10-12) and classified me as "emotionally disturbed" or "E.D." as they also termed it. As a result of this classification and being placed in special ed 9th grade classes instead of regular 10th grade classes, I became very alienated from everyone else in the school and felt like an outcast. I felt lowly; like some kind of freak that wasn't considered "normal", or like I belonged with the other kids. I felt unwelcome by others, and somewhat scrutinized and judged. This birthed the social anxiety I started experiencing which progressed as I got out of the group home and back home in Long Island City. Agony, turmoil, pain, and sorrow..
I gained skills doing chores such as cleaning and washing dishes at the group home, but for the most part, living in the group home was a bad experience. We used to be forced to wake up at about 6 in the morning at times to do chores outside of the house. One day, at about 6 in the morning, I was yelled at by one of the staff to wake up and do chores. I started raking leaves, and the next thing I knew, my back gave out. The next morning, I was in excrutiating pain and could barely move. I was treated really rudely by the staff because it was a school day. The staff ended up taking me to the doctor (while still being rude and careless) and I found out that I had gotten a herniated disc accompanied by sciatica. This basically stopped me from being able to play basketball, football, etcetc normally. I'm not even supposed to run because the impact aggravates the disc herniations. Getting a herniated disc and sciatica has greatly affected the quality of my life in many ways, and even sitting poses issues for me in certain ways due to the disc herniations and sciatica. I've always been an extemely fast sprinter and can't really even sprint anymore. Even jogging poses an issue for me, which limits how I get my cardiovascular exercise.
After coming back home in Long Island City at the age of 16 having lived in the group home for over a year to live with my dad again, things with him got progressively worse and he became more and more abusive, which was the exact opposite of how I was hoping he would be. I initially planned on living with my mom in Florida as soon as I got out of the group home, but after visiting her for about 2 weeks to see how things would go, I realized she was the same abusive and unstable woman that she was when I was a child. This left me with having the only real option of living back in Long Island City, New York with my dad.
Picking up where I left off upon coming back from the group home and things not working out with my mom was difficult enough in itself, but this was especially exasperated for me when my brother had told everyone in my neighborhood that I had died and had spread rumors about me. I felt judged and scrutinized once again by a lot of people as a result of this and the social anxiety I experienced at the school I went to when I lived in the group home had come back much more strongly. Originally, I was just really depressed when I got back home in Long Island City, and I couldn't really shake that depression. I would cry sometimes and express how I felt to my dad, and he would just tell me to "shut up", scold me and would say things like "crocodile tears" as a means of saying that I was faking my sadness. I ended up taking an SSRI (lexapro) in early 2010 for about a year to help me cope with the depression as I stayed focused on school and figuring things out with myself and life. It helped me with my depression, and a year later, I realized that the reason I was even so depressed in the first place was because I was isolating myself from everybody and locking myself in the house, refusing to go out at all upon being tormented, physically abused and having my shirt completely ripped off by my brother in front of all the kids at the basketball court as they laughed. Despite overcoming depression, my feelings of anxiety continued to grow.
I felt constantly anxious in school and constantly battled anxiety attacks/bouts of anxiety. It got to the point where I was terrified of going to class because I thought I would end up having a panic attack or something in front of everybody. I didn't know what to do, and thought I had developed some kind of mental/social disease or something. It was extremely debilitating for me, and so I started looking for another type of medication I could take to help me cope while continuing to stay focused on school and my goals. I discovered Xanax and started taking it from around 17 years old or so from a psychiatrist to help me cope with my anxiety. It helped tremendously, but my tolerance and dependance on it also increased over time. As I continued trying to cope with my anxiety, things with my dad only got worse and worse. He had an arranged marriage in Bangladesh, and his new wife and her son had come to live with us. I did my best to accept it, and in fact had hoped that maybe him being happily married again would make him less stressed out and angry, but to my shock, it made him worse; towards me, at least.
I got into poetry somewhere around this time because it was very therapeutic for me in dealing with the adversities of life and my dad's violence and aggressiveness. I think I may have started writing in the group home actually, where I initially would write letters to my mom (I started writing her letters before the group home as well when she was in jail). Writing has always been a healthy outlet for me and I was always naturally good at it; teachers in school always praised me for my writing skills, including the teachers I had in the school I went to during the time I lived in the group home. One of the teachers there had actually told me one day that my writing skills were at a college level at what was supposed to be 10th grade (but was 9th grade because they held me back due to being "emotionally disturbed" as I mentioned earlier) The poetry I started writing and reciting slowly turned into Hip-Hop rhymes as I discovered artists such as Nas, Talib Kweli, Mos Def, Common, A Tribe Called Quest and others, all of who had a major influence on me musically, lyrically and artistically. I started a music career as a freelance Hip-Hop artist and music producer thereafter at 18 years old in 2011 while still enduring my dad's abusive ways which at that point were added onto by his new wife and her son who would back up his abusive ways often times.
3. Late Adolesence: The Golden Years and Abandondment
From 17 to 18 years old, I got better at coping and this was one of the happiest time periods for me. I have profound memories of listening to artists like Chris Brown, Usher and Drake in my room. I remember envisioning singing with Chris Brown and being mentored by Usher or something for some reason. I went to a few parties, connected with people and had a lot of fun. I played soccer with people at the park near my house a lot and got in really good shape (which over time actually contributed to making my herniated disc worse unfortunatly). I had a girlfriend for a short period of time who I connected with a lot. I started learning to love and embrace myself and my qualities and everything, but my happiness wasn't long-lasting due to my ongoing turmoil with my dad and now new step-mom and step-brother, who my dad would shower with gifts, while completely neglecting me and refusing to give me most of anything at this point.
My dad would discourage my dreams to be in music, constantly telling me I wouldn't make it and that I would be a bum when seeing me make beats and stuff on the computer in the living room. He ended up kicking me out of the house at 19 years old, towards the end of 2012 while I was still in High School for basically not getting along with his wife because she would encourage his abusive and toxic behavior. This was right after I rapped on an instrumental and made a song called Knock 'Em Dead and had also been off of Xanax (cold turkey) for a week because I didn't want to be dependent on it any longer. This led to me living with a mentally ill older woman (who was originally a family friend/old friend of my mom's) who was abusive to me psychologically and emotionally during one of the most vulnerable time periods in my life. I later found out this woman used to smoke crack and do drugs with my mom.
Knock 'Em Dead, a song by Kaizer recorded right before his dad kicked him out at 19 years old, 2012
4. The Alligator Pit; Trapped in Quicksand
Originally, when I had first gotten taken in by this family-friend, things went alright between the two of us. I definitely remember there not being something right about her (she had a very dreary, brooding type of vibe), but I tried to dismiss and ignore it while focusing on myself, school, my goals etc. I did a good job doing this. I had amazing memories for a while when I got adjusted to that enviornment. I was really focused on moving forward from all of the drama I experienced with my dad and his new family and I would hang out with some friends I had at that time in Manhattan and Queens. I'll never forget those experiences and they helped to shape my mindset, energy and the dreams I had.
Over time, though, my new roommate's sickness started to seep out of her so to speak and there would be more and more situations that proved to me that the house I was living in wasn't what it appeared to be; nor was the family-friend. Despite this, I still managed to continue creating great memories with the friends I had at the time in certain instances while eventualy making it into college at 20 years old, which I started going to with plans of becoming a physical therapist assistant (my plan was to make $20+ an hour as a PTA while using that money to survive and continue focusing on music).
In the Summer of 2013, I had just come off of all meds I was on for anxiety cold turkey and the family-friend I was living with decided to do the exact same thing for some reason. From here, things very slowly got worse.
I had this journal I would write in and there were times where I wrote about my turmoil with the woman I was living with in detail. Around August 2014, after coming back to live at the family-friend's house again from a road trip I had with some friends from New York to California, I realized I left the journal out in the open for an entire 3 months or so. The woman I was living with may or may not have read the journal (she was known to snoop around my stuff, which she admitted to), but either way - once I got back, the situation slowly turned into a nightmare. She would tell me things like "I finally got a taste of what it would be like living alone again when you left" in a way where it was like all of a sudden, she hated me or something.
The family-friend I was living with ended up starting to constantly gaslight me. I was made to believe that there was something wrong with me and my lifestyle. I was constantly told by the family-friend I was living with how horrible my mom is, who was one of the only emotionally supportive people in my life at the time, calling me often to encourage me and just be there for me despite her past abuse and drug issues (at some point growing up I was able to forgive my mom and develop a relationship with her over the phone; around the time I was writing and sending her the letters I wrote to her in the group home). The woman I was living with would constantly and consistently invade my personal space, poking me often times, taking me out of my zone while I would be listening to music just to ask me things like if I wanted a pencil, not listening when I consistently asked her to stop in a respectful way. She was also extremely dirty and her walls would accumulate a disgusting type of gunk that would smell, which made me constantly concerned about my health. I had to rigourously clean this gunk consistently to protect my health. While living in this situation, I remember feeling like I was stuck in quicksand, with no way out; I genuinely felt like I was in an impossible situation.
The woman I was living with would crush cockroaches with her bare hands and leave them on the counters half dead as they twitched, clinging to life and would touch everything, including food we shared with the same hands. It was a horrible, gruesome scene. She would even tell me how she spoke to the ghosts of her dead relatives often, who she claimed lived in the house with her and claimed sometimes that they could be haunting me in some way, which really disturbed me and freaked me out. Over time, she would be demeaning towards me and say things like "oh, yes your majesty" in a sarcastic, harsh way when I expressed to her that I really needed a new bed due to serious issues I was having with my back due to the herniated disc, which got much worse and which I had to be in intensive physical therapy for at the time. I was in screaming, excruciating pain and even sitting hurt me most of the time at one point.
The woman I lived with would stare at me while I was sleeping constantly and when I would awaken, frightened to seeing her staring at me, she would say she thought I was "a pile of pillows" with a delayed reaction, which she did more than once. Over time, whenever I would look at her in a normal, natural way, she would scold me and tell me to stop staring at her and threatened to kick me out of the house, knowing I had no other place to go to. She started telling me that something was "off" about me and would stare at my feet constantly whenever I'd be in the kitchen and other places in the house which made me feel disconnected. Around this time, her abusive habits and other habits started majorly contributing to me struggling with my self-image. For some reason, she hated mirrors and would constantly cover mirrors in the house, which made it harder for me to connect with myself during a time when I needed it the most. I even expressed this to her but she just didn't seem to care and still covered the mirrors. I had my own mirror, which actually broke when I was sleeping one night. The woman I was living with told me at the time that it could have been the ghosts of her dead relatives. I was narcissistically abused by her in a way worse than anything I've ever experienced in my life and the toxicity of the living situation had completely destroyed me in many ways over time, as her abuse progressed.
During this time period, despite all of the abuse and neglect I was experiencing, I managed to work on music and garner opportunities related to my music career. I released a conscious Hip-Hop song called Rhythm And Wisdom (RAW), got a signed Illmatic XX album by the legendary rapper Nas, won tickets to see Usher talk about social justice at 92 Y theatre in Manhattan after releasing his song Chains ft. Nas and Bibi Bourelly, where Jay-Z appeared at, as well and even met music producer !llmind who worked with artists such as Drake, 50 Cent, J.Cole, Ariana Grande, Logic, Ludacris and others. I worked on other music projects before Rhythm and Wisdom while I was living with the family-friend, as well.
Rhythm And Wisdom (RAW), a song by Kaizer, February 2015
Tickets Kaizer won in 2015 to see Usher speak on Social Justice
The autographed Nas album Kaizer won with gemstones and a Jesus Carving he put on top of it
After trying to figure out how to endure that situation while simultaneously healing myself from that trauma, my beloved grandma passing away during this time period, past abuse from people like my father, brother, etc and the herniated discs all at once, I decided to continue pursuing music and become an entrepreneur, taking a break from the college I was attending at the time (LaGuardia Community College) in 2015 when I was 21 years old. The woman I was living with became progressively worse and more abusive towards me, slamming the doors in the house constantly and consistently staring at me in a strange way and then saying I was staring at her, projecting and displacing her issues onto me often times. There was this one time when we were both sitting on chairs out on the patio and when I looked at her she just stared at me in this disturbing way and in a freaky, eerie, bitter type of way said "it's youu... not me." I asked her if she was alright and she just said nothing. Whenever I would try to respectfully talk to her about things like her slamming the doors, she would continue threatening to kick me out, saying things like "I think something's wrong with you ever since you came off of meds, you need to see a psychiatrist" and "this isn't working out, I think you need to live with your mother in Florida", who she constantly made out to be as an abusive, bad mother, which made me feel like I had no other option but to endure that situation while figuring out a way to make things work with her while living there. The family-friend would tell me she didn't agree with my lifestyle.
Video of Kaizer struggling living in the situation with the narcissist roommate, January 2016
You can tell I'm struggling and don't really seem like myself around this time. I was in a lot of pain and confusion and didn't have anywhere to turn to. It reflected in my behavior, image, how I spoke, etc and I was judged and misunderstood by most people because of this.
After a close friend of mine committed suicide, she would say things along the lines of "ever since your friend died you started becoming mentally unstable" and that I "do this weird thing" where I "distort" my memories and I recall my memories in the wrong way as a means of gaslighting me and psychologically abusing me. No one was willing to help me in that situation and everyone I knew pretty much neglected me and I was called crazy by many people including my family at the time. My mom told me I needed "psychiatric help" and a family friend told me I should be ashamed of myself and that I got myself in that situation due to my "inflated ego." My aunt from my mom's side told me I was "obsessed" with the family-friend, that I was "twisted and fucked up" and that if I didn't change my ways I would end up just like my friend who committed suicide. My mom later told me that my aunt thought I was having sex with the family-friend (which I wasn't) and my mom later ended up calling me drunk, accusing me of the same thing for whatever reason. The woman convinced people in my circle such as my family and family friends that I was abusing her when she was the one who was actually abusing me ironically enough, and this enabled those people to turn on me. They believed her over me even though I was never a person known to outright lie about situations like that. Experiences like these were very Shakespearean for me and were really hard for me. It was like other people were killing me because they thought I killed someone else or something; like something out of Romeo and Juliet.
Despite everything I was going through, I never stopped singing and pursuing my passions. Even in the midst of chaos, agony and turmoil, I kept practicing, I kept singing, I kept doing what I loved. It was love that allowed me to keep going..
5. Homelessness and The Flames of the Shelter System: Hatred and Discrimination Grows out of Control
In December 2016, the woman who was abusing me brutally evicted me, forcing me into homelessness. No one was willing to take me in, including my 3 aunts, my dad, my uncle or any of my acquaintances I grew up with and knew from school/other places. I ended up having to be homeless for 6-7 months, sleeping on trains and at parks during this time. I had a family friend turn on me and tell me that I was a horrible person to the narcissistic abuser who evicted me. Many people could have helped me but chose not to and a lot of their reasoning was that I was this horrible person. It made no sense because I was known for my heart and for being a person of love and unity. Many people took the opportunity to demonize me in a huge way during this time to facilitate others neglecting me etc. I was basically taken advantage of socially during the worst struggle of my life. I was finally being forced into the NYC homeless shelter system due to the cold weather I could no longer withstand in June, 2017 where I experienced more abuse and trauma for a year and a half. While I was homeless, I worked at a vegan-organic restaurant in Manhattan, but I experienced a lot of hate by both customers and some of the people who worked there. One of the managers/higher-up employees at that restaurant was really abusive to me and even threatened to call the cops on me one day when I was simply sitting down after my shift drinking water. When I got outside and asked him why I had to leave, he literally said "get the fuck out of here." When I spoke to the owner about my issues at the restaurant, he literally just didn't do anything. I think it's because he didn't want to lose the employer who was mistreating and hating on me because he had been working at that restaurant for over 10 years. Despite being homeless and going through endless adversity, I was always able to see the heart of things and put on a smile at some point or another. I always understood that life is about loving and being free no matter what. I was never gonna stop becoming who I was meant to be and fulfilling my destiny/purpose.
A family friend shaming Kaizer and refusing to help Kaizer as he asked her for help, believing in the narcissistic abuser, 2017 during his homelessness
I experienced an extreme level of hate and discrimination at different places I worked at from the time I lived with the narcissistic abuser all the way up to living in homeless shelters. I was verbally and emotionally attacked by many employees at different places I worked at. I worked at Le Pain Quotidien while living in the homeless shelters and one of the employees literally manipulated the manager into seeing me in a negative light one day and I got fired as a result. Afterwards, the coworker who did that to me literally covered her face in the back office and said "oh my God" in guilt. I had a countless number of experiences like this, and it wasn't just at jobs either. I would get discriminated against and given hate at random stores and businesses as well. I even got banned from multiple, yes multiple crystal shops for literally no reason whatsoever that I would go to in order to shop and connect with like-minded souls. One of the managers at one of the crystal stores said - upon kicking me out of the store, that I "walk around the store too long" and stuff, even though I would buy things from that store. While homeless and living in homeless shelters, getting water became a challenge and I would ask restaurants and cafes if they could help me out by refilling my water bottles, and on many occasions, by multiple different workers, I was told that I could "drink water from the bathroom" in a rude way, eluding to drinking toilet water and stuff like that. If I told you every experience I was given hatred and was discriminated against during these time periods you would practically be doing an infinite amount of scrolling. During this time, I used all of the hate and discrimination I was experiencing as fuel for my rapping and freestyling (and also singing) skills and would often rap about my experiences. The more I was hated, the more I would rap and sing and the better I would get.
I was played out completely. I was banned from a library in Long Island City after I asked a guy who was sitting really close to me if he could just slightly create more space, where the librarian who banned me also called 911 on me during that situation and asked the detective to do an "investigation" on me; she literally told the detective my full name "Kaizer Hossain." I was kicked out of a park in Manhattan after a lady complained to the cops that I was "doing drugs" when all I was actually doing was inhaling vetiver essential oil (which is said to improve focus and attention) to help my focus and attention which was compromised due to the stress I was experiencing not having a home or normal privacy and struggling with sleep. A Starbucks worker called the cops on me once for resting my head on the table. I can't begin to tell you how many times people called the cops on me simply because they hated me/were in a place of darkness. I had a roommate in one homeless shelter who would constantly harass me and even tried to whip me with his belt from afar one day. I was called "wigger" and other names by a lot of people both in and out of the homeless shelters for my skin color being white/light skinned. I had multiple roommates in different shelters who would tell me that they hated white people. These roommates were hostile towards me. One of them even said they wanted to kill white people and felt like "popping on me" every time he saw me. Another roommate called me a "dirty turban motherfucker" or something along those lines because my last name is Hossain. In one shelter I was in, I was even hit in the back with a cane by this old man who told me he wanted to destroy my life "little by little" and accused me of tapping his phone and calling the cops on him, which I didn't do whatsoever. These experiences brought up bad memories from when I was discriminated against by kids at the middle school I used to go to in 6th-7th grade near Queensbridge, where I was called "wigger", "Saddam Hussein" and other names.
I got to a point where I began having suicidal thoughts and didn't know how I would be able to carry on in life. I developed Complex-Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and wasn't able to fully function on a daily basis any longer. Throughout this time, I struggled with my self-image, my relationship with God and my feelings towards society and the world. I felt abandoned by society, hated by the world, confused by God's plan for me and confused at who I really was and was meant to be. I realized a lot of my confusion and dissociation stemmed from the gaslighting and abuse I experienced from the family-friend, which was horribly exasperated by the abusive homeless shelter workers and residents. I was discriminated against by the Department of Homeless Services, the Human Resources Administration and many others during this time - people who were supposed to help me and was completely shut down in multiple ways. I saw over 10 therapists to help and aid me mentally and emotionally from 2013-2020 and most of them mocked me, mistreated me or labeled me as having "schizo-affective bipolar disorder", "psychosis", and etcetc. I was just judged and given hate at therapy clinics as well -- the places I felt were my last resort in getting help. Throughout this painful time period, I realized what my purpose is in life which is to heal people by inspiring and educating them through my rapping, style, music, fashion, art and more, drawing from my own inspiration from artists such as Michael Jackson, the man I wanted to be just like since my childhood.
Kaizer Being Kicked Out of Friends House Directly After Living in Homeless Shelters Over Pasta, February 2019
6. A Mouse Trap Disguised as Relief;
Unexpected Toxicity and Family Abuse 3.0 / The Rise
Upon intensive studying throughout living with the abusive roommate, homelessness and living in the homeless shelter system, studying success principals, the human mind and learning about how to make money and earn wealth and abundance - reading and studying book after book at libraries and different Barnes & Nobles (when I couldn't afford them) and in the homeless shelters, I began to finally implement what I learned and managed to convince my dad to let me stay with him in 2019 when everyone else was completely unwilling to help me. Although I continued to endure abuse from him and his wife once again while being disrespected and put down by my uncle who's wife had passed away from cancer a few years prior, I managed to get into a school for audio engineering and music production, learning from grammy-award winning mentors, some of whom worked on songs from artists such as Trey Songs, 50 Cent, Justin Timberlake and more. I worked on many songs in the studio and managed to get much better at tracking, mixing and more, studying avidly and putting my skills to practice. I met heavy weight music producers like Buda (who gave me great advice on how to continue persevering towards being a successful artist) and Grandz and I started realizing who I was again, having lost myself for a long time after years of abuse and being in toxic environments.
Kaizer, 26 years old, February 7th, 2020
I Remember (Demo), written, mixed and arranged by Kaizer, late 2019
Sonic Blade (Demo), written, mixed, arranged and produced by Kaizer, early 2020
I began using my newly earned skills to continue living my dream, inspiring people around the world and helping other people achieve theirs. After over a year of being discriminated against by real estate agents and landlords, being consistently shut down and refused to have a home due to my low income at the time, forcing me to endure the harsh conditions of living in the homeless shelter system in NYC while simultaneously trying desperately to recover from all of the past trauma I experienced, all the while being refused an SRO (single room occupancy) by the different shelter supervisors, DHS and etc, I finally managed to get my first apartment at the age of 26, enabling me to finally heal in a real way from the trauma and abuse I had experienced and endured my whole life the way I've been trying to do since I was a teenager. In October 2019, I graduated from Recording Radio Film Connection with a 3.7 GPA and became a certified Audio Engineer and Music Producer, something I tried to accomplish since 2015 but was blockaded in multiple ways from doing so.
My focus now is on continuing to heal and make a difference in the world with my music and art, healing the world in the process as well.
As I continue to fulfill my purpose and mission, Kaizer Stars, I want you to join me on my pursuit towards making the world a better place through my music, art, my fashion, my style, my rapping and more. I won't stop striving towards success. I've been through a lot, but I've never been the type of person to just give up. And I don't expect you guys to either. I believe in us, Kaizer Stars.. I genuinely do. Ever since I was that little kid listening to and watching Michael Jackson, I believed in the world being a better place. Just watch Heal The World!! I'm gonna continue to make better and better music and art. I wanna change and revolutionize this world!! But the only way to do it is to believe in it. And.. guys... I believe in it. I can do this, no... >>We<< can do this.
But we need each other's help.
So let's help each other. I have somewhat of an offer for you guys. I can offer you amazing, creative, intriguing, compelling and extremely revolutionary music beyond anything that's ever been created before. I can entice and educate you through my lyrics and my wordplay. I can instill the wisdom I've gained through my adversities and pain into my music, my rhymes and my foundation. In order for me to really be able to do this, I need your help. I promise to give you all of these things Kaizer Stars, I just need you to help me. So here's how you can help me:
Follow me on all of my social media accounts (or the ones you have an account on)
Support my music, art and me so I can continue making this world a better place by commenting on and liking my social media posts. This helps me get more recognized which helps me gain better opportunities
Share my posts, my videos, my art, etc. This also helps me get more recognized and therefore helps increase the chances of me gaining opportunities from people who might wanna collab with me like Talib Kweli or something. Imagine if Talib Kweli gives me a verse on one of his tracks, that's gonna make me more reputable and help me earn more money!
Donate money (if you can). This helps me a lot. I know how to use money to move from one place in life to a higher one. Know that I won't use it on drugs or anything like that. I don't smoke and I don't drink. I don't even smoke weed. You'll be helping me eat and stay grounded so I can stay focused on making insane music for you without getting halted and slowed down. Even when things have to be halted on certain levels (like how the coronavirus has everybody on lockdown), I can utilize the money to eat a little better to help me stay more focused on making music at home. Or like I can buy a plugin on Pro Tools to help my mixes sound even better.
I endured a lot of adversity, but because I didn't give up and because of the knowledge and wisdom I've gained, I was able to persevere, and you can do the same. Follow me and I can guide you and teach you how in creative, incredible ways never done before with my music, art and more. We can all work together to make this world a better place as we usher in a New Golden Age and live life on this planet how we were all meant to, fulfilling our dreams and thriving, together as one. I swear to you, I literally believe in this..